Inspired by the Mad Magazine reading book parodies, these humor pieces will provide the reader with education as well as entertainment.

5. CRIME

5.1. Prisons

When bad people are caught they go to prisons.
Prisons are like fridges
except they are warmer
and packed with bad people instead of food.
Nobody likes to be in a prison.
Would you like to be locked up in a packed house
full of scary-looking types with tattoos all over?
(If you like that, go to a rock concert instead.)
The point of a prison
is to keep the bad people
from robbing and killing good people.
But some people work hard
to free the bad people from prisons.
They are called "lawyers."
After all, if bad people stayed in prison for good
the lawyers would be out of work.

5.2. Terrorism

See the terrorist leader.
Terror, terror, terror.
He wants to scare the world into obeying his demands.
Obey, obey, obey.
See his fanatical followers.
Follow, follow, follow.
They are ready to die for their leader and the cause.
The terrorist leader has a problem.
He's running out of followers.
They die too quickly.
So he has to recruit new ones.
How does he get new recruits?
He makes promises.
He says they'll go to a place called "Paradise"
if they die while they bomb and shoot and kill people.
This is called "martyrdom."
What would you call a man
who thinks he will go to "Paradise"
if he stands in the middle of the road
and waits for a car to run him over?
Try "Stupid."
And if "Paradise" was full of terrorists
wouldn't they continue to kill and terrorize
in Paradise too?
Sounds like a hell of a place.

5.3. Computer Crime

See the modern criminal.
He doesn't rob banks with guns
or hold up Seven-Elevens
or kidnap people.
The modern criminal is smart.
Smart, smart, smart.
He lets the computers work for him.
He makes millions on pirate CDs
and insurance scams
and e-mail fraud.
But he hates old-fashioned criminals
the kind who might steal his car
or break into his house
or kidnap him.

5.4. Murder

See the euthanasia specialist.
Say after me: Uuu-tha-nay-sha.
"Euthanasia" is Greek.
It means "assisted suicide."
Or "murder."
The euthanasia specialist poisons sick people
and then says he "helped them out of their misery."
When he was a kid
he used to trap cats and small animals
and put them out of their misery.
But he's not all happy.
"Assisted suicide" is too slow.
Slow, slow, slow.
He can only kill one person at a time.
He wishes he could get his hands on a atom bomb
and drop it on a city.
He'd call it "assisted genocide."

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"A.R.Yngve's READING BOOK" is (c)A.R.Yngve 2003. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced without permission.

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